The first thing I remember is just being at someone’s house where something like a casual get-together was going on. There were a few girls and a few dudes, none of whom I recognized.  At first it felt like just hanging out; we were out front of a house, in the yard right by the street, basically between the house and the street, but closer to the street.  So there was some conversation with a kinda-cute blond girl who reminded me somewhat of a girl I went on a couple dates with, Mika — kinda cute, kinda easy-going, not too bright, just wanting to have fun, whatever.  So she suddenly took her tits out like it was no big deal, just pulling down the neck on her shirt so her chest was showing.  That got my attention, like oh, this is how you guys hang out huh? She didn’t make any overt gestures or statements, it was just a posture about it like it was no big deal, so it seemed tough to read or put into context by itself.  Then I noticed she had a lazy eye.  It wasn’t super weird or off-putting, I just realized it didn’t track perfectly with the other and hadn’t noticed it before. 

Then one of her friends showed up suddenly, stood next to her without any clothes on from the waist-down. She wasn’t particularly fit, but not with too much excess, just not in great form.  So then this Mika-like girl started massaging around this new girl’s crotch area.  I just looked over at them in a way of expressing a bit of desire to participate.  Again, however, the mood was all casual and not charged with any excitement; it was just like, yeah this is something we do, almost just as an exhibition that they’d done a million times, so it lacked any special quality.  Then suddenly we were inside the house, and the mood was somewhat expectant of something like a sex-party was about to go on, but in that moment nobody was doing anything sexual, so it was just not showing any direction or intent in that moment.  Then I walked to the left which I thought was toward a kitchen or bathroom; I thought it would be the kitchen, but then I observed a jacked-muscle dude laying face down in a bathtub, all or mostly naked.  I assumed he was on top of a girl, sort of obstructing the view of her, pretty sure he was going down on someone, but I then assumed they were doing this separately from the rest of the gathering because they wanted a bit of privacy, so I didn’t stick around and observe more closely or attempt to participate. 

I went back into the main central area in the house, the living room area.  I just started sensing that people were beginning to get intentions on hooking up with each other at that point. Then suddenly a girl approached me and basically told me she wanted to be sure we got together later, sort of the idea that we agree to reserve a moment with each other later.  In hindsight, I probably ought to have just grabbed her hand in that moment and said OK let’s get to it now, go and find a little private room together, etc, but I think she was already committed to some other situation for the immediate moment– maybe she just wanted me for round two.  No one had informed me of any format or general expectation of proceedings so I wasn’t too sure about how things were likely to progress from one encounter to the next.  Then suddenly I went down some stairs into a lower area with some girl I’d rate as OK — being near in my late-30s today, I’d say she looked good — but as a 20-something I’d probably have considered her average, not particularly cute, not particularly fit, but comfortable and motivated, so obviously that makes up for less-than-ideal physical attractiveness. 

Once downstairs, she quickly undressed herself and was sitting in front of me.  I noticed she seemed a bit sweaty, like she’d just done something a bit athletic.  I caressed her chest and shoulders lightly, and she seemed to enjoy it, but then I noticed something weird about her face.  When she tilted her head back a bit it seemed like she was missing a jawbone; her cheeks, lips and mouth made a strange form of a depression I suppose similar to a female genital area.  At that moment I sort of thought about it as a teenager might, thinking of something like ‘with that kind of endowment, she’d be the designated blow-job girl’ but I didn’t focus on it too much.  I then noticed that visually, suddenly, it was like we were on a boat in open water, in a 360-degree theater, and the waves were choppy all around us. But in our particular position, it was completely stable and flat, so it was hard to suspend the disbelief and experience the swaying motion that would seem to have been intended by the pictures on the screen.   Then suddenly a cute girl was there and seemed to engage me in a conversation about how she was clean, i.e. didn’t have any STD’s, so the implication was we could just get carried away with no cares about risk because it’s all good, etc.  I thought about the best way to respond without killing the mood, basically saying ‘You have to acknowledge that there’s more risk for that stuff when regularly engaging in this kind of behavior.’ Obviously if this was even a semi-regular occasion for her and this group of friends, they probably weren’t all getting tested regularly, so couldn’t possibly be certain about their STD status.  So then she said something about it being hard to ‘dress up’ the sex, implying that it became difficult to have it be all fun and carefree once all the risk factors were evaluated carefully.

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